Why Elves? One word: Legolas. Hmmm. Maybe I should've used that L and avoided the whole Leprechaun thing.
Anyway, you guys know what I'm talking about here. It is no secret that a lot of women are attracted to "bad boys." Of course, they won't admit that. They ask, "Where have all the nice guys gone?" while they are busy staring at the Sopranos on TV. They say what they really want is a sense of humor, but they spend a lot more time watching Johnny Depp than they do Drew Carey. They say they want someone kind and thoughtful and caring, just before they leave with Killer to go watch the cage fights. (Ladies: before you dismiss me here, ask yourselves: Who do I really like to watch: Dr. Gregory House, or Dr. James Wilson? Case closed.)
Sure, most of us guys have learned to deal with that. Dealing with it usually involves playing Nintendo until, eventually, the women come to their senses and realize you can make more money programming computers than you can riding motorcycles. So we can handle real, flesh-and-blood bad boys. Wait long enough, and most of them end up on an episode of Cops anyway.
But now Edward Cullen comes along and ups the ante by a factor of 10. This takes the concept of "bad boy" to a whole new level, and I think it's gone way too far. See, a few years ago it was just pirates: Captain Jack Sparrow may have given us guys some heartburn, but at least he wore eye-liner. Also, pirates seemed to drink a lot and never shower, which, from a guy perspective, is a step in the right direction. But a vampire?!? I remember when many women thought it was a genuinely BAD thing to be a vampire. Now it's "well, yes, he may hunt humans and drink blood, but at least he dabs his ruby lips with a napkin afterward." The napkin, by the way, matches his bronze hair and sets off his ivory skin. Gimme a break.
So I say, to heck with vampires and the women who love them. I am turning my unofficial boycott of the Twilight Series into an official boycott. And the movies too. Although I have to admit, I was a little surprised when I found out Kristen Stewart was cast as Bella. I would have assumed that only Paris Hilton could project the depth of thought and moral strivings that characterize a woman who falls in love with, and then becomes, a freakin' Vampire.
Buffy, come back! We need you!!
2 comments:
Sir, well done. You have really come to the heart of the matter, as well as come up with an incredible product idea for the next book. I would definitely like to join GAVEL, which is not only an awesome acronym, but also a great item to hit vampires with. I read the preface of Twilight, and it was so cliched that I'm sure it made me flatulent.
I'm all for letting them indulge their fantasies with the bad boys as long as it means they spend less time devising home improvement projects for the men they eventually settled for.
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