Thursday, February 19, 2009

Admit One

I’m lucky enough to have a few friends that I’ve known most of my life. One is the Vicious and Abhominable Delrog (VAD), who was also my college roommate. One night when we went to a movie, seeing the ticket that said “Admit One,” VAD turned to me and said, “Once I used your toothbrush to clean the gunk off the sink.” So I told him, “I drink out of the milk jug.” Having admitted one each, we turned our attention to other topics, such as girls and astrophysics.

Anyway, this blog is in the spirit of “Admit One.” And the thing I have to admit is this: Even though I hold advanced degrees from very reputable institutions, and make my living teaching at a university, there is a deep core of white trash that runs through me, affecting my taste in music, reading, food, recreation, and so forth, and giving lie to the thousands of dollars my parents, taxpayers, tithe-payers, my wife, and I myself have invested in my education.

Want some examples? I knew you did:

Coke and peanuts. Even though I’m likely to get caught at it, and then have to explain it, and then have to live it down, sometimes I can’t help pouring some peanuts into my bottle of Diet Coke at work. I can trace this back to my friend Lloyd, who turned me on to Coke and Peanuts back in the 7th grade or so. We would drink Coke and peanuts (and eat beef jerky) while we played poker.

Which brings me to:

Games. I know how to play chess, and once I learned how to play go (an ancient game of Chinese origin played with black and white stones on a grid – very popular among analytical, left-brained math types).

I hate them both.

Moreover, some colleagues in my previous department tried to get me interested in bridge, another somewhat analytical game where most of the action seems to be pre-determined by complex strategic rules. I never could get interested. See, I believe that when you engage in recreation, you should be able to tell it from work. Fun should be. . .well, fun. Like, for example, a friendly game of poker. Oh, don’t talk to me about the trendy poker stuff: Texas Hold-em and televised poker tournaments. I’m talking blue-collar poker, here, something you can still play and enjoy even after consuming massive amounts of beer (not that I ever did that, of course, not even in 7th grade). Nothing fancy; maybe five card draw. I don’t need to think too hard about that.

So, summary: games of strategy, especially those patterned after war: 0. Games of chance: 1.

PS. I think there is a special place in Hell reserved for the person who invented the Parker Brothers game of Risk, which not only combines the worst aspects of both strategy and chance, but also takes hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours to play, so it is like settling slowly to the bottom of a very deep, very boring ocean.

Quiz: Which of the following would I be most likely to enjoy:

a. Backgammon
b. Blackjack

Tune in next time, when we discuss my deplorable taste in music.

Friday, February 6, 2009

What Two Women Might Do To One Man's Blog If They Found it Unattended (or something like that)

The Man Pedicure

Step One: Wax.

Step Two: Find a basin for presoaking

Step Three: Fill basin and soak feet.

Step Four: Buff away hardened, calloused skin. This may take several attempts.

Step Five: Moisturize.

Step Six: Cuticle removal.

Step Seven: Trim the toenails.

Step Eight: Select polish color. Note the industrial size container; enough for
Elder's Quorum Spa Night.

Step Nine: Apply color.

Step Ten: Apply top coat (that means "sealant" in guy talk).

Step Eleven: Dry.

If, after completing the pedicure, your feet are not as baby-bum soft as you wish, you can try the super strength callous remover:
Although this should only be done by trained professionals, as the risks of using such equipment at home are well-documented.