Monday, January 26, 2009

The Best Procrastivus EVER!

Procrastivus Carol #3

Sleep in, ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you awake.
Remember it’s Procrastrivus,
Sleep in, for goodness’ sake!
For 10’s as good as 8 o’clock,
And 12 is better still,
Then we’ll dive on those presents
With a will, oh yes we will,
And we’ll open our presents with a will!

(What? Surely you didn't expect the last Procrastivus Carol before Procrastivus, did you?)

Well, Procrastivus has come and gone (at least, the parts of it we aren't planning on finishing up next week sometime). The day started with the traditional Groaning of the Old Man as he got out of bed, followed by the Making of the Biscuits and Gravy (The Divine Ms B had toast and cocoa or something). Next came the Dispersal of the Teenagers (play rehearsal and a debate meet). The Awakening of the Girl-Face was followed by the classic Treasure Hunt for the Already-Discovered Present. Upon finding it, the Girl-Face participated in the Watching of Several Episodes of Bones, Season Two. Meanwhile, the parents engaged in the Making of the Greek Food, and the Shopping Trip for Stuff We Forgot.

At about 4 pm, the Gathering of the Tribes was held. Gyros and pastitso were consumed (Boozle made the pitas). Baklava was eaten with reckless abandon. And finally, we opened the Procrastivus Booty.

Ethan's booty ran toward books of plays, although his pride and joy was the DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON MEREDITH PALMER MEMORIAL CELEBRITY RABIES AWARENESS PRO-AM FUN RUN RACE FOR THE CURE T-shirt.

Emily's booty ran high on clothes and accessories.

Once Erynn opened Bones, Season 2, nothing else much mattered. Some quiet, alone time with Special Agent Seeley Booth is all she really needs.

The Divine Ms B got a box of spices from Penzey's, because I threw away a lot of her "classic, vintage, heirloom" (ie. OLD) spices when I cleaned out the food room. So I had to replace them. She's sharing them with Boozle, who also got a nice bread knife so Jacob's sandwiches will no longer have trapezoidal cross-sections.

And me, I ended the day with the traditional Reading of the Get Fuzzy.

So all in all, a success. As Tiny Ethan Cratchit said, "This was the Best Procrastivus EVER!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

A Few Quotes on Friendship

Those truly linked don't need correspondence. When they meet again after many years apart, Their friendship is as true as ever. – Deng Ming-Dao

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friends are God's way of taking care of us. – Anonymous Wise Person

As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country. – Proverbs 25:25, KJV.

Even better than cold waters to a thirsty soul, is a box of Cheesy Comestibles from our friends in Mad City. – Proverbs 25:25, SWV.

Thanks. We miss you.

Friday, January 9, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

This year I’m taking a hint from my good friend S. Moosebutt and choosing my New Year’s Resolutions more carefully, to improve my chances of success.

Therefore, in 2009, I hereby resolve to:

1. Continue my boycott of parsnips, under the assumption that they are not actually food. Indeed, I have watched Bear Grylls, Les Stroud, and Andrew Zimmern carefully for some time, and although I have seen one or more of them eat a number of awful things like grubs, scorpions, bats, live snakes, raw camel kidneys, decaying zebra, almost every kind of farmyard genitalia, and (in Bear’s case) human urine (his own) from a snake skin, I have never seen any of them eat a parsnip. Case closed.

2. Never use any grooming product that has the word “hegemony” on the label.

3. Have an occasional staggering but completely unimportant insight. For example, in the Pogo song, “Deck Us All with Boston Charlie,” if you pronounce “Charlie” with a Boston accent, it’s more like “Cholly” which then makes it a better rhyme with the third line, “Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley.” Wow. You think ol’ Walt planned it that way?

4. On average of once a week, have some uncomfortable dealing with someone who believes in their heart of hearts that it is their job to set the rest of us straight. So far this year, I think I’m good through mid-March. Just last night, I talked on the phone with someone who had an anatomical relationship with a large stick, so situated that it was miraculous that they could bend enough to tie their shoes.

5. Each and every day, be in a position to wonder which cat did it.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Traditional Procrastivus Fare

I know that many of you readers (Hello? Anyone? Anyone?) are wondering what the traditional foods of the Procrastivus Season are. According to my exhaustive research completed just this evening, a typical Procrastivus meal can be made in this way:

Take about a half pound of good quality ground beef, form in into a patty, and grill it to desired degree of doneness (ideally, medium rare). When almost done, top it with sliced pickled jalapenos, and a lot of shredded cheese. Let the cheese melt. Some Tabasco at this stage is optional, but it's a nice touch. Then, pop it all on a home-made hamburger bun with some sour cream. Do a happy little dance of anticipation. Devour.

It's a tradition worth starting, I tell you what.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Procrastivus Carol # 2

All ‘round the house-top, lights still blink.
Sort of pretty, don’t you think?
Christmas is over, but they can wait
I think April will be just great.

Oh - Ho - Ho, To - morr - ow,
Oh - Ho - Ho, To - morr - ow!
Tomorrow is good, next week is great,
Next month is better. Procrastinate!

O’er on the table, the cards still sit,
One is signed, but that’s about it.
The holiday letter will be done soon,
In time to get out by the end of June.


We’re making cookies and fudge and more
Ready to pass out door-to-door.
If they’re too late as a Valentine,
Saint Paddy’s day will do just fine.


Presents are hidden under the bed,
In closets, trunks and in the shed.
There’ll be something for all of us
If we can find them by Procrastivus.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Pigging Out in Utah

Now, I should make it clear from the start that I am a proud Utahan by birth and by choice. I really don't have much patience for people who, for one reason or another, end up in Utah (or sometimes have just passed through) and spend their conversational time bagging on it because it isn't someplace else:

It doesn't have as much rain as Washington
It doesn't have beaches and surf like Hawaii
It doesn't have musical theater like New York
It doesn't have complete nut-jobs like California
It doesn't have as much corn or soybeans as Nebraska
It doesn't have commercial-grade politicians like Illinois

And so on. Those people make me a little grumpy. But in the Spirit of the Holidays I have decided to cut them some slack and ease their burdens a little. So I offer them this:


Valuable Coupon! Clip and Carry in Purse or Wallet!

I, Steverino, do hereby completely absolve the carrier of this coupon from any and all obligation to live in, pass through, or even think about, the State of Utah again. Really. You are free to go. We have felt your pain, and have Torn Down the Wall. No hard feelings.

But: to show I am actually a reasonable and fair-minded person, I am now going to admit one of Utah's failings. It became patently clear last night when I went to shop for New Year's Eve Pig-Out food. And I had to say to myself, "Toto, we aren't in Wisconsin anymore!"

I had to go to two different stores to buy brie. I found one brand of summer sausage. I had to settle for Western Family Swiss cheese. I'm almost embarrassed to admit what I had to resort to last night. The smallest little hamlet in the northernmost part of Wisconsin has a vastly better selection of sausage, cheese and crackers than the largest supermarket in Salt Lake. As I stood in the middle of Macey's, tapping my heals together and saying, "There's no place like Brennan's, there's no place like Brennan's," I knew in my heart that I was sunk. I wended my way slowly home with with my paltry Utah offerings, and vowed that my next visit to Madison would involve a large ice-chest. Maybe a refrigerated tractor-trailer.

So, you Utah-haters, I'll let you complain about the cheese and sausage. And maybe even the wine. I might even commiserate. Just be careful about the other stuff.

Procrastivus It Is, Then!

Procrastivus Carol #1

Procrastivus, Procrastivus,
The holidays are past of us.
Procrastivus, Procrastivus,
You are not for the Fast of us.

You come when winter's almost done
With belated gifts for everyone!

Procrastivus, Procrastivus,
You're waiting for the last of us!